I'm 42 and my girlfriend is 39. We're both attractive and physically fit and have a wonderful sex life. As much as I love her, am attracted to her and want to have sex with her only, I frequently find myself with the fantasy of being there, watching her having sex with another man. Contrary to my upbringing, that is an incredible turn on for me! I've brought up the idea of a threesome with another man, and I believe that she thought I was trying to test her loyalty and she told me that she was devoted to me. I guess my question is two-fold. Why might this idea be turning me on so much? And what can I do to let her know I want to pursue this?
J.T., Plano, TX
This isn't an uncommon fantasy. If you were insecure in your relationship or your sexual ability, you might be just the opposite way - jealous, possessive, and maybe upset if another guy came into the picture and threatened your relationship or its stability in any way. It doesn't sound like that's the case here, though, so this doesn't surprise me.
If you think about it, in today's society, there are not many types of permissions out there that are greater or more significant than giving your lover permission to be sexual with another person. In this case, you're even going a little beyond that since you will be in the same room or bed! So that permission in itself may be giving you some kind of reassurance concerning the stability of your relationship. You may feel that sex does not have to be, but at times can be, just a physical act and that there is much more that keeps people together than being monogamous. But as a side note to everyone else out there, it doesn't mean that those who aren't willing to do this do not have secure relationships. With all the billions of people combinations that make up relationships, each relationship is different in some way. For some people it works, for some people it doesn't.
As for how to approach this with her, it's going to come down to what it always comes down to - good communication. If you already have a strong relationship, then you probably have some good idea as to how to communicate with her. Maybe express what you're feeling about the situation, explain your fantasies, and that you are secure enough in your relationship to know that it would not become an issue. Here's the catch, though: just as it is your right to have this fantasy, it as just as much her right to not participate in it. She may not want to be shared; she may not have been trying to pass a test when she told you she was devoted and interested in only you. She may want to be a one-man woman and want you to ask that of her too.
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This article was published on Saturday 28 August, 2010.